Saturday, March 12, 2011

Some decisions of life...

...are never easy.

I am typically not one to hide (or able to hide) my emotions. Through a blog, it is easy to hold back, but in real-life, if you knew me, my emotions are almost always on my sleeve in full view. There are times when I wish I could keep my emotions bottled up because they get in the way with certain situations; be it sadness or anger. Remaining calm is a virtue I am still constantly struggling with and working on.

Yesterday, I drafted, signed and delivered my official letter of resignation as the varsity volleyball coach. Over the past few months, I have needed to have my PRO and CON shoulders battle with each other, mulling over what the position and the girls I work with mean to me. This was not an easy internal battle to fight and thankfully I didn't need to completely keep it bottled up and go through it alone. Naturally, DH was supportive of my resignation but he also understood the difficulty of this decision for me; he also had a stake in this position having spent a fair amount of days working with the team. A very dear coworker, who also happens to be a former varsity coach that I coached under for 8 years, has also been very supportive and an amazing ear for me.

As I was leaving the Administrative office having delivered my letter, one of my team captains was walking by. In very few words I asked her to see me sometime next week when she and the other team captain had some time together. I needed to be brief because I was already feeling the sadness of the decision that was made. I absolutely love these girls.

When I returned to my room a few minutes later, my two captains were there. As joking as I could be, I said..."Wow. That was fast!" In summary, the 10-minute meeting was difficult and emotional.

The guilt I feel is so incredible that it is eating me up. I am upset that this decision needed to be made, but bottom line, I know that my plate is (going to be) full and I won't have the strength or time to accomplish all that needs to be accomplished, and all at a level that is satisfactory to me. I always set my bar high; anything less is simply too difficult for me to accept.

14 comments:

Joanne said...

Once the decision is made and acted upon it will slowly become more bearable. It is NEVER easy to step away from something you love doing but if you cannot commit the time and/or the energy to doing it at the level you feel is right then it becomes a burden. Accept the support of your family at this challenging time. Joanne H

Amanda said...

Sometimes difficult decisions just have to be made, but only you will know if you made the right decision. But I'm betting that very soon you'll know that it was the right thing for you and your family and start to wonder how you ever managed to fit so much into your time.

Quilter Kathy said...

That's a tough one. But I always tell myself that it's not forever...just for now. And in the future, if circumstances permit, I can always change my mind. Maybe in the space that that position used to take in your life....something more wonderful will take over (like quilting! LOL)

Jackie said...

It's hard to leave something you love doing. We have to make decisions for our families that are often not the easiest. Balance is often tough.

jillquilts said...

It sounds like you took a good amount of time to mull the decision over. No need to feel guilty, but I understand it. I hope that the guilt eases!

Calidore said...

I don't know of a single person, including me, who has not felt guilt at making the kind of decision you have made. It's the hardest to make but also the best at times - especially as you already know just how full your plate will be in the coming days, weeks and months. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go for it. Will be thinking of you.

Andra Gayle said...

I totally understand your conflicted feelings about walking away from your coaching. I am sure the girls will really miss you but the time will be of an equal value to you to spend in other ways. You have to trust that you have made the best decision for yourself. I hate decision making and am not very good at doing it. Here's to you being able to claim what you need.

Laurel said...

What a tough decision. I can imagine the difficulty in making that decision. My thoughts are with you as you come to grips with the change and as you embrace your new path.

Alycia said...

Hugs to you. I hate making decisions. But you gotta do whats best for you and your family, and I am sure you put a lot of thought into the decision.

{{{huggs}}}

Linda said...

Knowing you and knowing the girls on your team, I understand how difficult this decision was for you. It makes it difficult when some of the decisions we must make are caused by things beyond our control. I am glad you have Jan to talk things through wit, I know how much she cares about you. If you ever just need to talk with someone removed from the situation- you know where to find me.

Julie said...

Do not feel guilty!! I remembe when you took over that position and the messes you straightened out. You put them in a good place, and now it is up to someone else to carry on, and it won't be so overwhelming to them thanks to what you have done. Job well done! I am a member of a group at my church called "Frazzled Females" and it is all about the female need to do everything and never say no. We are working on that, and trying to make our lives less frazzled. You go girl!!!

scraphappy said...

You are the single best person to be able to judge when your plate is full. You are one of the most high energy and motivated people I know and if you don't feel you can take on any more, then you are certainly right. You gave everything to your girls last year and hopefully the energy that you put into setting everything right will help to carry them through the season without you. I hope it gets easier now that the decision has been made. Big hugs.

Candace said...

You were their leader and now you can be their biggest fan. Sometimes priorities have to be set and decisions made. Hopefully, along with any regrets or guilt you can feel a lightening on your shoulders.

Andee said...

My heart goes out to you...I can feel your anguish...however you never know what the future brings, and your decison to pass this on maybe is just the something that someone else needs! Your plate is going to be full, but someone else might just be needing something and now that opportunity will be available to them. Everything happens for a reason and it will all be okay...the girls will miss you and you will miss them, get to a game or two when you can and continue to cheer them on! HUGS!