...are never easy.
I am typically not one to hide (or able to hide) my emotions. Through a blog, it is easy to hold back, but in real-life, if you knew me, my emotions are almost always on my sleeve in full view. There are times when I wish I could keep my emotions bottled up because they get in the way with certain situations; be it sadness or anger. Remaining calm is a virtue I am still constantly struggling with and working on.
Yesterday, I drafted, signed and delivered my official letter of resignation as the varsity volleyball coach. Over the past few months, I have needed to have my PRO and CON shoulders battle with each other, mulling over what the position and the girls I work with mean to me. This was not an easy internal battle to fight and thankfully I didn't need to completely keep it bottled up and go through it alone. Naturally, DH was supportive of my resignation but he also understood the difficulty of this decision for me; he also had a stake in this position having spent a fair amount of days working with the team. A very dear coworker, who also happens to be a former varsity coach that I coached under for 8 years, has also been very supportive and an amazing ear for me.
As I was leaving the Administrative office having delivered my letter, one of my team captains was walking by. In very few words I asked her to see me sometime next week when she and the other team captain had some time together. I needed to be brief because I was already feeling the sadness of the decision that was made. I absolutely love these girls.
When I returned to my room a few minutes later, my two captains were there. As joking as I could be, I said..."Wow. That was fast!" In summary, the 10-minute meeting was difficult and emotional.
The guilt I feel is so incredible that it is eating me up. I am upset that this decision needed to be made, but bottom line, I know that my plate is (going to be) full and I won't have the strength or time to accomplish all that needs to be accomplished, and all at a level that is satisfactory to me. I always set my bar high; anything less is simply too difficult for me to accept.